Thursday, September 23, 2010

Foxhunters: The Sexiest People on the Planet

Merriam-Webster provides two definitions of “venery.” The first is “the art, act, or practice of hunting.” The second is “the pursuit of or indulgence in sexual pleasure.” Coincidence? I think not.

It’s comforting to have the endorsement of the respected Mister Merriam and his colleague Webster for the belief that has come from my years of intensive research into what makes a man or woman sexy. I can now report without reservation, and with the concurrence of M-W, that foxhunters are the sexiest people on the planet.

I have discerned six principles that flow from this which anyone can apply to improve not only their love life but their love of life. It isn’t just about the horses, hounds, and foxes. It’s about attitude. It flows from the foxhunter’s deep appreciation for all things sensual, beautiful, thrilling, and fulfilling.

These six principles are:
· Primal Urges
· Preparation
· Patience
· Persistence
· Packaging
· Payoff

What follows over the next several weeks are excerpts from the examples and suggestions (called “Tally-ho Tips”) on how you can apply those six principles to your life — even if you live in a city condo, have never been on a horse, and wouldn’t dream of actually riding to hounds.

This advice is directed mainly toward men. Women already know these six secrets, or at least sense them intuitively, which is why ladies heavily dominate the horse world. Unfortunately, many women gravitate to horses as a substitute for great sex because they can’t get their men to see the connection. My intensive research also shows that most men need a good whack upside the head before their attention can be focused on any subject that does not include other men in heavy padding knocking each other over, brightly colored pieces of machinery that go very fast and turn left, or photos of young women wearing little or no clothing (sorry guys, no such pix here).

Ladies, read these postings as a means of giving structure to the insights you already possess. Then take your keyboard firmly in hand, cock back your arm, and give the man in your life a solid smack with it. Tell him the title to the final posting includes the world “orgasm” and that you’ll be waiting in the bedroom when he’s finished reading it.

Gentlemen, now that I have your attention, let’s take a trip to Sexy-Land.

Tally-Ho Tip #1:
Get in touch with your primal urges.

Sex: It’s so easy a caveman can do it. And thank goodness they did. Nothing is more basic to human nature than sex, right? Aren’t we all programmed with an undeniable drive to propagate the species? Doesn’t that justify a man’s desire to, shall we say, “spread his seed” (or, in less Biblical phrasing, screw anything that moves)?

Yes, sex as procreation is pretty basic, a primal urge right down there with the need for food. Sex and food, food and sex. As a personal need, you won’t survive very long without food. As a public need, the human race won’t survive very long without sex. And how did primitive man get primitive sex? By bringing home some primitive food. And how did he get that food? He went out hunting for it.

Hunting: Darned if that’s not just what we’re going to talk about — tracking down quarry and showing that you can bring home the mammoth burgers. Oog, the mighty hunter, got mighty lucky with the ladies whenever he returned from the hunt with slathering slabs of meat slung over his brawny shoulders. “Ooooh, Oogie baby, come to my corner of the cave tonight.”

But aren’t we beyond all that now? Haven’t we evolved to a higher level of awareness that allows us to keep those primal urges in check?

Yes and no. The “yes” part has enabled the human race to rise above the primordial muck and realize amazing achievements such as space travel, mobile phones, and online porn. But thanks to the “no” part (and with a little help from online porn) there are now six billion of us homo sapiens on the planet, most of them driving on the same roads you use to get to work. Someone’s not keeping his primal urges in check.

Perhaps foxhunters, more than others, still hear the call of our ancient blood. When you thunder to the crest of a hill in open country and behold the spectacle of hounds in full cry coursing after their prey, hear the exuberant call of the huntsman’s horn, and then gallop after with reckless abandon, somewhere the specter of a Cro-Magnon relative is grunting his brutish encouragement: “Hunt good!” (And probably wishing he’d lived in a time when he could have done that for a few hours of sport and then gone home to the comforts of his Lascaux condo, where the voluptuous Mrs. Magnon would have been eagerly waiting in the cave corner.)

Foxhunters have the whole package: Enlightenment and lust, challenge and achievement, risk and reward. When it’s good, you’re left breathless, tired, sweating, grinning, a little sore, your heart’s pounding, and your knees are weak. And then it’s time to go home and have great sex! Some don’t even wait that long. The barn will do. In the extreme, it’s straight into the bushes.

Foxhunters are in tune with the full range of human needs and emotions. They can be refined, polite, courteous, and considerate when circumstances call for it. And they can abandon themselves to unbridled, reckless, even risky passion when scent is hot and the chase is on. It’s the perfect balance of achieving self-actualization while still embracing those undeniable primal urges. Find that balance, and you’re on your way to discovering the first of the foxhunter’s six secrets for great sex.

Start by getting in touch with your primal self. Forget about the artificiality of modern life. Let loose your inner caveman. Imagine a time before packaged foods, plastic shoes, and PETA. Say along with our ancestor Oog, “Hunt good! Sex good!”

Then mount up and enjoy the sport.

© 2010 J. Harris Anderson

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