Thursday, July 29, 2010

You Might Be A Foxhunter If...

If you own a home that is mobile and five cars that aren’t, you might be a redneck.

Jeff Foxworthy

As promised, we take a break from Snarkytown this week and instead toss up some quips likely to cause fewer, if indeed any, ruffled feathers. And possibly a few more chuckles as well. It’s been said that a “highbrow” is someone who can listen to Rossini’s William Tell Overture and not think of the Lone Ranger. In the hunting world, that might be said of anyone who’s never heard of Jeff Foxworthy’s “You Might Be A Redneck” jokes. But, then, it’s likely that anyone who has attained that level of sophistication probably isn’t reading this blog anyway. (Or isn’t even using a computer for that matter.) For the rest of us, this week’s posting consists of some foxhunter variations on the “You Might Be…” theme.

Several of these were inspired by helpful suggestions from fellow hunters (although I was only attentive enough to record one such, from Harry Kuniansky, for a credit citation). But I’m sure there are plenty of creative juices flowing out there that can expand on this concept. So if you feel inspired, please add a comment or email me your suggestions ( and we’ll keep adding to the list.

And speaking of suggestions, a helpful (albeit regrettably anonymous) follower recently added a comment under the Nouveau Gentry typology suggesting another category: The Sponge. It’s highly insightful, well written, and will soon appear as the newest addition to the Typology of Foxhunters, most likely next week (with a bit of expansion and elaboration that this contribution deserves).

Now, here are some…

You Might Be A Foxhunter If…

1. You’ve ever been charged with riding while intoxicated.

2. You’ve ever been pulled over on your way to the hunt ball and been asked if the circus is in town.

3. You’ve ever mucked out a stall wearing a tuxedo or an evening gown.

4. You’ve ever peed in a stall while wearing a tuxedo or an evening gown.

5. You have your orthopedist’s private number on speed dial.

6. You can legally claim your vet as a dependent on your income tax forms.

7. You drive a $2000 car and ride a $20,000 horse.

8. The only religious service you regularly attend is Blessing of the Hounds.

9. You think it makes perfect sense that a heavy, dinner-style meal served in late afternoon is referred to as “breakfast.”

10. Your sporting attire is all custom made and the rest of your wardrobe comes from Tractor Supply.

11. You can recite the bloodlines of every hound in your club’s kennels but frequently forget the names of your own children.

12. Gentlemen: You’d rather read Practical Horseman than Playboy.

13. Ladies: You’d rather read Covertside than Cosmo.

14. Your house has a mudroom that’s actually full of mud.

15. You’ve ever been busted for possession of a controlled substance and it turned out to be Ace.

16. You’ve ever run out of Tylenol and used Bute instead.

17. You’ve ever found out that your spouse was having an affair with the huntsman and decided it would be easier to replace the spouse than to find a new huntsman. (Submitted by Harry Kuniansky)

18. You’re only willing to accept a job that allows you to take off at least one weekday from September through March.

19. You can walk through airport security naked and still set off the metal detector.

20. You’ve ever told a paramedic, “If you even think about cutting off my custom-made boots, I will get up off this stretcher and kick your ass!” (To personalize this one, feel free to replace “custom-made boots” with “leather breeches,” “scarlet coat,” or any other garment a thoughtless EMT was approaching with scissors in hand.)

© 2010, J. Harris Anderson

1 comment:

  1. I think you have the beginnings of a book. BTW, Harry is thrilled.